most of my close friends know about my current crushes. i pluralize the word because there are always several, and i use the word “current” because i tend to fall in and out of “love” quite often. however, in the proverbial spinning rolodex that contains all the usually inadequate objects of my attentions, there has been one person whose contact card has not been crumpled up and thrown out. for obvious reasons, i won’t actually name this lucky fellow. i can imagine that if i did, someone who is acquainted with him would take a sudden yet totally innocent interest in this blog, see his name, raise their eyebrows in a somewhat high degree of incredulity, and bring it to this certain person’s attention.

imagine the following dialogue in mocking, overly-masculine voices:

friend: hey, dude, you know that girl brenda?
him: uhh, that girl from that class we had last semester?
f: yeah.
h: what about her?
f: well, she has on a link on her facebook to this blog she writes, and she wrote this whole post all about you and she made this t-shirt that says “i heart aaron” and she wears it under all hear clothes.
h: oh, come on.
f: well, who can blame her? i mean, you’re gorgeous.  and ok, look, I’m not saying she’s a stalker, but she saved this kleenex you used and she said she’s gonna do some kind of African voodoo with it to make you like her.
h: what?
f: i know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend, so just promise me you won’t make fun of her.

in the year 2004, the movie mean girls was released in theaters. it was written by the amazing tina fey, and i borrowed some dialogue from it for the second half of this imaginary conversation. it’s totally applicable to my situation. he is totally gorgeous, and i most assuredly am socially retarded and weird. also, i won’t say for sure, but i may or may not have made a shirt with his name, saved a used kleenex, and pondered some kind of african voodoo.

about a year ago, i signed up for this literature class. i didn’t know anyone who was going to be in the class, so i only had the actual course content to look forward to. the start of the new semester finally came around, and, as is my usual custom, i decided to go to class early so that i could get a good seat. my preferred seat is always in the back row and against the wall opposite from the door. so, i’m sitting there with my legal pad and my ballpoint pen and my please-don’t-sit-next-to-me-or-try-speaking-with-me expression when my world is totally rocked. i didn’t notice him until he was walking directly in front of me. he was of average built and height, but he smelled of a smokey musk. he sat in the desk in front of me and it was like this from about late august to early december. writing this post has made me sigh wistfully, over and over again. since that semester, we’ve had several other classes together, which means that we’ve shared some sort of acquaintanceship for more than a year now.

in the handful of classes that we’ve had, the interaction i’ve had with him has been a minimum. in the classes where he sits in rows in front of me, i get to to stare at the back of his head for as long as i want. when he sits in the back row, too, it gets complicated. i have to be sneaky about stealing glances. unless he’s speaking out and contributing to class discussion, i have no reason to be looking at him. as far as talking or face-to-face interaction, it’s at a pathetic minimum. i’ve asked him for a pen and a scantron. i think once i asked him for the time too. i know, i know. it’s pathetic. but hey–i’m okay with it.

i’m quite alright with the whole thing. in fact, i would say that my relationship right now with this guy is absolute perfection. before you start calling me crazy (“you’ve never even had a conversation with him, bee!”), hear me out. i guess you could call it an “open” relationship. we see each other when we see each other. several times a week is perfect. it’s not too much so that means we don’t crowd each other. i never bug him about calling me, and i never expect him to. he’s never lied to me or been mean to me. whenever i’ve asked him for anything, he’s given it to me (see above). best of all, i keep him at a distance, so he’ll never know about all my crazy. i definitely think this will last. this thing where i’m too chicken to talk to him could last for years! say what you will, but my relationship with him is way better than the kind with all the expectations and disappointments.

i am complacent.

i really wish i could share more about this guy, but i’m paranoid. way more then i definitely should be. i mean, the few people who read this blog already know who this guy is but… i just can’t. rest assured, though, that he is totally worth the attention. i don’t know what it is that really keeps me from talking to him. he seems like a pretty nice guy. as far as interaction with the opposite sex goes, i usually keep it at a minimum just because i’m so weird and awkward. for him, though, i hardly ever see him talking to girls. he doesn’t seem like the womanizing type. i just can’t bring myself to talk to him. he intimidates me i guess.

for now though, i’ll be sticking with the love-from-afar (aka stalking) approach.

Tags: crush, guys, loser, love, pathetic, people, school

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm and is filed under people. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.